The mere fact you’re asking this question is a great sign because unfortunately, very often people “fall into” relationships blindly only to discover they don’t work the way they imagined. As you’re well aware, this can result in years of unhappiness and stress or inevitable painful breakups…
Our expectations of a romantic relationship have changed dramatically over the past few decades and are nothing like our parents’ or grandparents’. Gender roles are becoming more and more blurred, so rather than just looking for a man (“father” and “breadwinner/fixer of things”) or a woman (“mother” and“housekeeper/cook”), we’re in search of a deeper meaningful connection and a friendship.
Going back to the point, the first question you should ask before committing to a life partner is, surprisingly: “Who am I?”
How well do you really know yourself? This step must involve a critical look at your patterns and some self-analysis. Personally, when I previously tried to identify my past patterns, I struggled a little, to be honest, because the one thing all my previous partners had in common was the fact they were unsuitable for me. Knowing myself as I do now, it’s clear as day those relationships were never going to work for any length of time due to lack of compatibility or other important factors. But of course, I’d persevere regardless until it became unbearable.
Remember, what you want at a given moment is not necessarily what’s good for you, what’s going to be manageable long term and is likely to increase the probability of a happy secure relationship.
What brings out the best in you and what brings out the worst? Be very honest with yourself even if you think the admission is somewhat embarrassing - no one else needs to know! You can start by looking back at your most recent relationship(s) and identifying the aspects which made you happy and the traits or situations which made you uncomfortable (a polite way of saying “driving you nuts”). If you have been on your own for a while or never had a long-term relationship before, it wouldn’t be a bad idea look at your friends and family: do you know any couples you envy and couples making each other miserable, and what are their traits and styles?
Let me share an example within our own family: this woman has always been a social butterfly, spontaneous and disorganised, struggling with long-term planning, living in the moment kind of person. Her husband of 10+ years is on the opposite end of the spectrum: obsessed with order, symmetry and lacking spontaneity; he literally needs a full risk assessment every time he goes out and has to follow his rituals all the time. Of course, they have things in common too, so when they started dating, they simply enjoyed each other’s company and didn’t give anything else any thought. There’s only so much they can compromise on, and frankly, they’re pushing each other to the limit with no ill intent, by merely being themselves. They now have four young children and for now have to stay together for their sake, although already had one trial separation and a thousand and one blazing rows.
What’s done is done, but if you haven’t made any life-changing decisions yet, remember, you still have the advantage of being single and the opportunity to reflect, so use it wisely. A sobering thought: no one can ever be 100% certain; no relationship is 100% guaranteed to last a lifetime as just when you think you have it all figured out, life can throw you a curveball. However, it’s all about minimising your risk and stress levels, while increasing your chance of success.
What other essential questions should you ask yourself before committing to a life partner?
Are you easy-going or the sort of person who must be in control?
Do you find it easy or difficult to compromise?
Are you turned on by a challenge or looking for a quiet life?
Compatibility in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to date your own clone, but you do have to be able to co-exist comfortably. It helps when the main areas are aligned, such as your aspirations and your values; it helps if you both are tolerant enough to work around each other’s differences.
If you have been using online dating sites or apps, you know some of them offer a compatibility rating and put other members in front of you accordingly. However, you’re relying on people answering the questions truthfully and assuming they’re honest with themselves about who they are. So, dating profiles do shed some light on it, but you still must ask the right questions and pay attention to their story.
If you have been introduced to your partner by family or friends, you’re often relying on their recommendation, which can sometimes work perfectly and create a nice bond from the start. On the other hand, I can say from personal experience: friends, family or colleagues never truly know that person the same way they get exposed in a romantic relationship. For example, they can be immature and a complete mess behind closed doors yet come across as dependable and righteous to the rest of the world.
As they say, buyer beware! A relationship and dating coach can help you avoid the pitfalls and figure out the best approach applicable to your unique situation.
Next thing, you need to clarify what the other party is looking for in terms of their relationship goals. If you’re looking forward to moving in together and/or marriage, while your partner tells you they don’t believe in monogamy, please do take it seriously and don’t attempt to fool yourself, thinking you can talk them into it. If exclusivity is important to you, try to clarify their views and expectations on the matter as early as possible.
How much are you willing to sacrifice? A minor compromise – yes, sure. But giving up your dream, for example, having children? This is a big one. Do you have children; if so, is your partner ok with them? Do they have children? Do they want children?
The following is a true story. A woman and a man then in their 40s met online and seemed perfect for each other: they moved in together and subsequently married after a year-and-a-bit of whirlwind romance. He had two children from his previous marriage and also a vasectomy; he was clear he didn’t want more children. She, on the other hand, was desperate to have a child and assumed he could be persuaded. Can you guess how the rest of the story goes? Needless to say, the consequences (especially for her) were extremely sad.
When considering a life partnership, making assumptions would seem somewhat reckless. Try to have an honest chat with each other about your major life aspirations/values and expectations, and most importantly, accept their statement even if it’s not what you want to hear. If Cinderella’s glass slipper doesn’t fit – you can’t make it fit. You can choose to either accept the situation and compromise, or pick up the glass slipper and move on.
Consider personality traits, temperament, cultural aspects, outside factors (like work and family); work out your must-haves and see if there are any dealbreakers. Still not sure? Assess your capacity to deal with various levels of complexity, so avoid taking on a challenge if you know you don’t have the patience or the energy to handle it.
…and finally, stick to your guns!
M x