As you might have heard, the first week in January is the time when divorce solicitors see a peak in enquiries. This is hardly surprising considering most of us find ourselves in an unusual situation over the festive season, cooped up with our partners and children for two weeks straight.
The pressure to have a perfect Christmas, visiting extended families as well as copious amounts of alcohol only add to the tension. Some couples already considering divorce postpone it until the new year to avoid disrupting family celebrations.
Relate, the UK's largest relationship charity, also reports a huge increase in website visitors and calls, which is another side-effect of the festive season. “Fixing” a relationship in trouble is a delicate matter, and not the one with which I wanted to be associated professionally. The intimate nature of marriage or a romantic partnership poses a challenge for even for the most competent counsellors.
The biggest potential problem, however, is when only one side is keen on saving the relationship, and the other one is not. This is, arguably, the most difficult scenario which often leads to fierce, stormy breakups.
It is next to impossible to revive a relationship unless both parties are 100% onboard. If it’s gone past the point of no return and neither party is particularly interested, perhaps, it’s time to accept the loss and move on. Not all relationships are worth saving. Whether we like it or not, ending them is just as conventional for us, humans, as falling in love and starting new ones.
“There is no society in the world where people have stayed married without enormous community pressure to do so...”
...anthropologist Margaret Mead once said. Given the opportunity and economic independence, people would rather not remain in an awful or just an unhappy relationship.
What do humans, beavers, dung beetles and gibbons have in common? We form long-term relationships with a single mate (a.k.a. monogamy), which is generally, quite rare in nature. Moreover, we, humans, must be eternal optimists because sure as day, when our bonds break for whatever reason, sooner or later we find ourselves searching for a new mate.
Serial monogamy is our style...
“Call it what you will, the human penchant to divorce and form a new bond with another is worldwide.” *
There is some debate as to whom this quote is attributed: “A second marriage is a triumph of hope over experience” – a slightly sarcastic take on our tendency to do it all over again the second or even the third time round with the same fervour and enthusiasm! Nevertheless, we also know hope is not a strategy…
There is never a 100% guarantee a new relationship is going to be a success. In fact, quite often they flop too, but only when we learn nothing from previous failings, follow unhealthy patterns or bring some heavy emotional baggage into our new union.
If you find yourself amongst those researching marriage counselling or divorce firms this week, you have my sympathies! Whichever way it goes, it’s a challenging phase, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel no matter how grim things seem at the moment.
Time heals emotional wounds anyway, but if you follow proven science-based methods, they can heal even quicker and with minimal scars or long-term effects. Same goes for finding love again: studies find there are sure signs indicating you are ready for a potential relationship, or not. Click here to read more on the subject.
Once you have resolved the above challenges, you could of course leave the process of finding a new partner to chance. However, bear in mind it has very little to do with luck and everything to do with your mindset and choices, so why not use science and research to help you avoid potential heartache and frustration.
After all, if you want to be a serial monogamist, do it right this time around!
Happy New Year!
Best wishes,
Mila Smith
Founder of “From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consultancy
P.S. If you are experiencing any relationship or dating problems, contact me to arrange a free confidential introductory session - click here to book.
* "Anatomy of Love" by Helen Fisher, Phd