Last week, I co-hosted a local Singles’ Social live event with Re.Loved Style. The specified age range was 40-60 years old, however, we ended up with a few visitors slightly outside the “catchment area” which worked just as well.
Coincidentally, this happened during the few weeks when the fate of dating apps dominated the headlines, from BBC to Women’s Health. According to The Times:
“Dating apps are in decline… Hundreds of thousands of users are deserting the likes of Tinder and looking for love in the wild.”
And again, figures quoted by The Guardian:
“About 1.4 million people have left online dating in the past year as experts say users see it as a chore rather than social activity.”
These are just two out of dozens of articles on the subject recently flooding many media platforms and publications. So, what does dating “in the wild” look like?
Our event in Wokingham, Berks wasn’t set up or positioned as a speed dating event, but rather a fun friendly evening of mingling, food and drinks, and useful tips delivered by the panel of experts, including a stylist, a photographer, a health and fitness coach and myself, a relationship and dating coach. The evening started with a fun ice-breaker activity involving African drums and various weird and wondeful percussion instruments delivered by our well-being lead.
Our aim was to provide a safe and friendly environment in which singletons are, for once, not a minority looked down upon by “smug married people” because "underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales" (a good time to quote a classic Bridget Jones joke)!
One of the most annoying things about being or becoming single is the confusion within your social circle – where do you belong and where do you not? Which becomes abundantly clear when your married so-called friends gently nudge you outside the circle towards the exit; presumably, because you’re seen as a threat or a pariah.
So, we thought, even if you don’t leave the evening with a potential date, you can talk to like-minded people, learn something new and improve your dating strategy.
The debrief shows, apparently, men have a much harder time than women, committing to social events like that. Which is great news for the ones who did attend. However, slightly disappointing for the women who significantly outnumbered the men.
We tried to explain to potential male visitors there was no commitment expected from them, yet at one point it felt like pushing water up hill, while women were much quicker and more likely to confirm their attendance.
This reminded me that we, men and women, exist in different worlds or realities.
“A woman is an individual in a network of connections… Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation,”
wrote professor of sociolinguistics Deborah Tannen who dedicated years of research to the subject. On the other hand:
“A man is an individual in a social hierarchical order in which he is either one-up or one-down… Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure.”
Behind every event or conversation is a metamessage: underlying meaning or subtext. Because men and women are regarding the landscape from contrasting vantage points, the same scene can appear very different to them, and they often have opposite interpretations of the same action. *
Therefore, could it be that a singles’ event is a welcome invitation to connect for women, and some kind of admittance of failure for men as they reject any assistance to meet women even though this is aligned with their goals? Perhaps, there is also an element of rivalry with other attending men, although, an average man, shaped by testosterone, doesn’t usually shy away from competition?
Come on, men, we need you! Social mingling is not at all an admission of weakness and isn’t embarrassing. If you’re falling out of love with dating apps or your own company, a singles’ night is a great way to expand your circle and meet someone new.
On another note, when I asked the group about their main dating and relationship challenges, almost everyone mentioned lack of connection in real life and how much they hated dating apps.
Whilst this may be true, it’s not always the introduction method that is to blame. Many of us had our earlier relationships long before dating apps, and yet they fell apart and didn’t withstand the test of time although we met our exes organically. In the meantime, dating sites helped facilitate many blissfully happy, lasting relationships.
So, it’s not as black and white as that, and you can’t blame everything on dating apps and the modern dating culture. Would you like to discover possible underlying reasons why relationships and dating is not working out for you? Click here to find out!
Using science and research to help you find love will not make love feel any less real, but will definitely get you there sooner and save you potential heartache and frustration. Please consider this. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting the same results:
More heartbreak...
More wasted time....
More missed opportunities to enjoy the life and love you deserve....
But by taking action now and understanding your patterns, you will:
Break free from frustration
Attract the partner you’ve been searching for
Build a fulfilling, lasting relationship on your terms
Book a free confidential consultation today to find out how I can help you.
Best wishes,
Mila Smith
Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy
* "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen