When you search the internet for “relationship red flags”, you get hundreds of articles and (often conflicting) opinions on the subject. How do you know which ones you can trust? Especially if you had your fingers burned in the past and you really want to do it right this time around...
The red flags we are going to describe haven’t just been verified by ourselves on many occasions but are also identified by psychologists as classic predictors of relationship instability and, potentially, failure. Looking for an unbiased view? Interestingly enough, women and men are likely to provide very different dating and relationship advice...
Women will typically try to persuade you to compromise and lower your expectations, offering a selection of comforting platitudes to support their view, such as: “you can’t have everything”, “nobody’s perfect” or “good guys don’t grow on trees”.
Men, on the other hand, are more likely to think you should not “sell yourself short” and settle for anything less than perfection; they will see going from being a relatively happy single to a questionable relationship as a definite downgrade.
This is just one example of how dramatically we can differ in thinking and approach. There are several scientific theories offering an explanation, for one:
“A man is an individual in a social hierarchical order in which he is either one-up or one-down. In this world, … [men] try and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around. Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure….”
“A woman is an individual in a network of connections. In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek or give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others’ attempts to push them away. Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation…” *
No wonder sometimes it feels like men and women are at cross purposes! When it comes to choosing a potential life partner, we focus on different traits / behaviours and prioritise things in our own ways; as a result, we identify different red and green flags. Nevertheless, in this article we would like to focus on universal non gender specific warning signs, which apply to both same-sex and heterosexual relationships. Assuming you already asked yourself the most important questions about what you want and need from a partner (if not, click here to read more)...
Relationship Red Flags: What to Look For Early On
1... They are untrustworthy. OK, everyone keeps some things to themselves, especially at the start of a relationship; you can’t expect your date to open up straight away and disclose every detail (neither should you by the way). However, you will certainly notice major inconsistencies in their stories, and if you point these out, their explanation is likely to be convoluted or overly emotional, so it distracts you from the facts. This includes strange patterns, such as: never answering the phone at certain times (usually evenings), disappearing for days at a time, consistently not keeping their promises etc. Without trust, any relationship is doomed.
2... They are rude and struggle to control their temper. This seldom shows right away because most people have a certain amount of emotional intelligence and self-control, however if you witness unreasonable displays of anger towards you or other people, it’s a sure red flag. At the start of any relationship, people are generally on their “best behaviour”, so if they lose it at that stage, can you imagine what it’s likely to be at a later stage, when they are completely at ease. We don’t mean an occasional fleeting outburst, like when you’re two minutes late and you find a parking ticket on your car: most of us are under a lot of pressure, and sometimes things get to us! Not being able to handle a minor disagreement without resorting to shouting or swearing – is another matter.
3... They are manipulative. Unfortunately, this is usually more subtle and not so easy to detect. When you know your intentions and your actions are genuine, yet you feel somehow taken advantage of or constantly undermined by your partner – that’s one of the signs you’re being manipulated. Manipulators are usually hypocritical, so when the tables are turned, you are not treated equally (but they always have an excuse). If you’re a conscientious person with good ethics and can’t stand someone labelling you “selfish”, “uncaring” or “greedy”, this trait of yours is likely to be exploited: you become trapped in a pattern being accused of 'this or that' if you don’t give them exactly what they want, constantly seeking their approval and proving you are not 'this or that'.
4... They are making your life worse rather than enhancing it. Bad things happen to people all the time; sometimes when we are in a relationship, we have to help each other through difficult times and overcome some hurdles. However, when you’re dating and just embarking on a new adventure, and it feels like you’re being dragged into a black hole, something is not quite right. Don’t buy into old myths: love doesn’t necessarily have to hurt; relationships aren’t supposed to feel like pulling teeth. Before you go too far to turn back, assess your capacity to handle a challenge, and think before inviting trouble into your life.
Don’t worry, it’s not all that bleak! As long you avoid rushing into a new relationship, you should have plenty of time to identify any worrying warning signs, if they are present, and escape unscathed. Of course, it's entirely up to you whether you take this onboard or ignore the red flags in the hope that things can be fixed. Just remember, you can't expect the above scenarios to lead you to long-term happiness...
Good luck!
* “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen