From Single to Couple
Dating & Relationship Advice/Coaching
The Ultimate Relationship &
Dating A to Z Guide
... Useful advice for singles and new couples from Mila Smith, a certified Relationship & Dating Coach, and her husband. To watch A-Z video guide, go to our Instagram or Facebook pages...
"A" - ATTRACTION
"A" - ATTRACTION
Attraction is typically seen as the foundation of a romantic relationship. True, we need it to ignite love and support our relationship, but is it as powerful as you expect and does it make up for everything else? When we initially fall for someone, we put them on a pedestal as we're pumped full of hormones leading to euphoria. These usually start wearing off after a year or so; eventually the rose-tinted glasses come off and you see the situation for what it really is.
Suddenly, all the imperfections are highlighted and sadly, many of us discover a huge clash in expectations or values, and sometimes have no choice but to leave. This is because we forgot about other cornerstones of a healthy relationship, such as commitment, friendship, willingness to invest in your partnership. So, mutual attraction is important, but building a relationship on attraction alone is likely to lead to disappointment and struggle down the road. Click here to discover common early relationship mistakes to avoid.​
"B" - BAGGAGE
Like it or not, the majority of men and women over 30-ish come with some kind of baggage from their past relationship(s). I know I had tons of it and doubtless, you are carrying some too. There are ways to determine the weight of your emotional baggage and how likely it is to affect your present.
Whether you happen to love or hate your ex, as long as you’re feeling strongly, you are in danger of becoming stuck in a swamp of negativity keeping you from moving forward. If you experienced it, you’ll how know it affects your mental health and health in general, work and other relationships.
Whilst you can’t magically have your memory wiped clean, a relationship coach, like me, can share proven methods to help you let go of the baggage and look at your past objectively. I promise, one day you’ll be able to draw the line and feel indifferent towards your ex. Something else I can help you with: when dating new people, your job is to identify the extent of their emotional baggage and how it might affect you.​
"C" - COMPATIBILITY
Compatibility in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to date your own clone, but you do have to be able to co-exist comfortably. It helps when the main areas are aligned, such as your aspirations and values, and if you both are tolerant enough to work around each other’s differences. Most of us have been in relationships which feel like walking on eggshells or pulling teeth all the time. It’s exhausting! If you don’t want another round of that, pay attention: you’ll have to clarify how compatible you are in all areas early on.
Some dating apps offer a compatibility rating and put other members in front of you accordingly. However, you’re relying on people answering the questions truthfully and assuming they’re honest with themselves about who they are or what they’re looking for. So, dating profiles will shed some light on it, but you still have to ask the right questions and listen carefully. As they say, buyer beware! How much are you willing to sacrifice? A minor compromise – yes, sure. But giving up your dream, for example, having children? Or living with constantly clashing personalities? No, thanks.
"D" - DATING STRATEGY
What on Earth is that? Surely, you turn up, you talk, you leave... and never hear from them again... Or perhaps, you spend weeks messaging, fantasising about them, and then get a little shock of reality when you do meet.
First impressions do count: be it your photo on a dating site or your first date. Unless you’re neighbours or go to the same gym, you’re unlikely to get a second chance if you really blow it. It’s a small window of opportunity, so use it. It may not go anywhere, or it could be a start of something amazing!
I cover a range of dating strategies in 1:1 coaching sessions, but here are 5 universal tips:
1. Don’t overinvest at this early stage.
2. No shame in thinking through what you’re going to say about yourself.
3. Prepare some engaging questions you’d like to ask.
4. Listening is a real skill - and don’t talk over people!
5. Keep it short: if it doesn’t go well, you have an exit strategy; if it does go well, even better, you both leave intrigued and wanting more! Contact me for help.
"E" - EXCLUSIVITY
​No judgement: some people are more than happy with casual non-exclusive dating, just make sure you're very clear about it from the start, so you don’t hurt anyone.
Identify your relationship goals correctly. Is exclusivity a must for you? If the answer is yes, do you see moving in together, marriage, family down the line? Or, perhaps you already had that in the past and are looking for an exclusive companion while living separately and maintaining independence. There’s no right or wrong. Just be careful because if you’re dreaming of a committed relationship, you’ll be very frustrated and sad if you’re with someone resisting the idea – and vice versa.
There’s no harm in bringing this up as your partner is not a mind reader. For example, in general, you’d like to share a home in future. You’re not saying it would be with them, your date, so it’s a perfectly neutral statement. If they say “Gees, never again” – that’s a clue they’re probably not your match. There’s a tiny chance they might change their mind, but I wouldn’t count on it and try to convert them. Click to discover what questions you could ask yourself and your potential partner to increase your chance of a happy relationship!
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"F" - FRIENDSHIP
They say you should marry your best friend – not literally, but this really resonates with us because without friendship, your relationship may not withstand the test of time. We already touched on attraction and passionate love, which, unfortunately, tends to wear off. So, it’s your friendship, companionship and mutual goals which will keep you together in the long run.
When I was dating my now husband, I wanted to understand if he was the right person for me, meaning: can we be friends, not just lovers? Can we trust each other and share stuff?
Men and women have very different communication styles, which can put some people off the idea of friendship between partners. However, when you have the understanding and know how to approach these differences (covered in 1:1 dating and relationship coaching sessions), then your friendship can really blossom. Which is great for your relationship overall, it makes it much stronger and more fun.
"G" - GENDER ROLES
Humans tend to classify other humans and see them as representatives of groups (e.g., men vs women). It’s only natural since we have no choice but to see the world in patterns in order to make sense of it. We wouldn’t be able to deal with the amount of information we encounter if we couldn’t predict a lot about who we’re dealing with.
So, generalisations about gender have always been and will be there. However, in these turbulent times, gender roles are often blurred, which can cause misunderstanding and mutual blame. Thanks to equality and inclusion, we’ve successfully eradicated some gender stereotypes of the past – the problem is, we seem to be replacing them with new ones and reaching other extremes. Neither misogyny nor radical feminism is helpful in terms of bridging the gap between men and women; more like driving in a bigger wedge in.
As a relationship consultant, I have a mission to promote compromise, balance and harmony between men and women. Life would be a lot easier if we all displayed more tolerance and respect for each other’s differences! Let’s not mistaken being rigid for being strong. Read my blog on the subject: In Defence of Men
"H" - HEART vs HEAD
"Listen to your heart rather than your head". This age-old cliché sounds charming and conjures up some wonderful visions, like a pair of lovers running towards each other in slow motion… Until you consider the real message behind this phrase.
“Head”, obviously, stands for your logical side, which helps you understand not only what you want, but also what you need from a partner; the part of you, which will analyse their behaviour to see if they are good for you. So, why is it so unpopular?
“Heart” is, supposedly, referring to our emotional side, but in reality, is all about what feels good at that moment. And let’s be honest: most of the time it’s linked to physical attraction and hormones. “The butterflies” which feel wonderful and also tend to turn red flags into green (click to read more).
We all know what happens when those hormones wear off: we start seeing things clearly and any clashes and incompatibility become obvious. So, attraction is important, but don’t just listen to your heart – refrain from making any life-changing decisions until you get the approval from your head as well...
"I" - IDEALISING
We already touched on the power of first impressions, and the fact when we really fall for someone, we tend to idealise them. This leads us to the topic of cognitive bias: unconscious errors in thinking, which occur when people interpret information. In simple terms, biases can distort our perception of reality.
Psychologists also call it the "halo effect": we attribute a positive trait to a person and extend that perception to all aspects of their character. So, when you meet someone you immediately like because he/she is charming and hot, your brain will persist in idealising them even though you may be subsequently faced with a ton of unflattering evidence (e.g., they turn out to be selfish, rude, uncaring).
This is when many people start making excuses on their behalf: “Oh, this behaviour must be caused by x, y and z, it’s not like them!” or words to that effect. Most of us fell into this trap! Once we’ve made a decision, it’s difficult to stop idealising someone who may be taking advantage of us or simply isn’t a good match.
The purpose of dating is to find the best possible partner instead of clinging on to someone like that. So, do your best to see things objectively; contact me for help.
"J" - JEALOUSY
It’s such a complex emotion, unfortunately, very common in both new and established relationships. It could be justified, when you’re faced with evidence of infidelity; but very often it only exists in your imagination, feeding on fears or previous painful experiences. Science helps us differentiate between these types of jealousy, which is perfectly described in “Finding Love Again” by Dr Orbuch, the Love Doctor:
"Reactive jealousy is a response to an actual threat in a relationship, a defence mechanism, which should be acted upon if you fear you may be losing your partner.
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Suspicious jealousy, on the other hand, is something you feel when your partner hasn’t actually done anything to sabotage the relationship; suspicions don’t fit the facts."
This could be caused by many underlying issues. The popular attachment theory explains it by our attachment styles: either pre-occupied, when individuals want closeness but have high abandonment anxiety, or fearful, when they fear attachment plus have high abandonment anxiety.
Low self-esteem also provides an ideal environment for suspicious jealousy. It may take time to overcome and require help from a therapist or a relationship consultant. In the meantime, an open conversation with your partner would be a good start!
"K" - KISSING
So far we’ve mainly talked about the dangers and pitfalls of dating and relationships. Understandably, we don’t usually consider these things because simply falling for someone is so easy. Here’s a pleasant one: kissing is important for bonding with your romantic partner, it also has health benefits, and will reduce stress and improve life satisfaction. Most of the time people kiss to show affection. It’s one of your tools if you will. 3 points to keep in mind:​
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1. Dental hygiene: make it your priority. Don’t try to kiss your date if you just had dinner, rinse your mouth first. Or, if you haven’t eaten for hours, that also might cause bad breath: have a snack, rinse, or chew some gum. This may seem obvious, but bad breath is likely to put people off, possibly for good.
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2. Watch for signals: don’t try and kiss your date if they’re tense and leaning away from you. If you want to initiate a kiss, test the waters: hold their hand or put your hands on their shoulders – they’ll respond if they’re on board.
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3. The first kiss is memorable, but as you're just getting to know each other don’t go crazy with tongues and biting their lips, which is more passionate and sexual – for next time. Show them you’re interested, gently...
"L" - LOVE vs LUST
How do you know which you’re experiencing? Is it just an infatuation, common in early stages of a relationship, when you’re feeling intoxicated most of the time? Or companionate love, which involves deeper emotional connection and support? These can overlap, to a degree, but clearly the latter is a key factor in relationship security. Here's a link to a video and a great article By Dr Orbuch, the Love Doctor, explaining exactly that. In a nutshell, research shows there are 4 signs which differentiate love from lust:
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1. Connection. When you’re in love, you want to introduce your partner to other important people in your life. With lust, not necessarily: you’re more likely to keep them to yourself.
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2. Using “we” language rather than “I” language. You refer to the two of you as an “us” or “we”.
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​3. Self-disclosure. We tend to open up when we’re in love and reveal a lot about ourselves: we share our dreams, fears, past and future.
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4. Influence. When people are in love, they involve each other before making any significant decisions, like moving away for example. You also want to share your good news, and if something upsetting happens, you’d go to them for support.
"M" - MARRIAGE
The concept of marriage these days has very little in common with the institution it used to be… In the UK, religion very seldom plays a part in it; status – occasionally, but for the majority it has become a symbolic ceremony celebrating love and commitment to each other.
Personally, we saw marriage as a romantic gesture, which literally meant: “We believe in each other, we’re committed to each other and we know what we’re doing - this time round :-)” Interesting fact: our children from previous relationships (10, 12 and 15 at the time) were, unexpectedly, genuinely excited. We can only assume our marriage was a symbol of stability for them!
Let’s forget for a minute what our parents’ generation thinks (often implying being unmarried is both tragic and embarrassing). What do you think? Especially, if you were married before and had your fingers burned by the whole experience… These days, many people are perfectly happy living as an unmarried couple, and nobody questions their decision. The cohabitation side of the law has also evolved giving people more security and protection in case they split up. So, do you still want to be married or not? Don’t worry about other people, work out what’s right for you!
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"N" - NEEDS
It’s astounding how many people are oblivious to their own needs! By default, we assume we understand ourselves very well and know exactly what we need. However, as we get older, we look back and see mistakes, failure, and seemingly inexplicable patterns. Only then do we begin to realise what we thought we wanted could have been damaging for us, and in fact, what we need to be happy is something (or someone) else entirely.
If you don’t understand your needs or fail to communicate them, how do you expect anyone to meet them? For example, you’re dreaming of a committed relationship and a family, but are too afraid to admit it in case you scare your partner away. This could lead to confusion and failed expectations. If this is what you need and want further down the line, don’t be shy: say it out loud early on. You’re not stating you want a committed relationship with that particular person, but rather in general, so it’s a perfectly neutral statement.
Or perhaps, you need to maintain independence and hate the thought of moving in with someone in the foreseeable future – be clear about it. Saying “I want a happy relationship and a great partner” is not enough. We all do, however, everyone’s path to happiness is slightly different. Click here to discover why so many successful people are unhappy in their love lives.
"O" - THE ONE
First, I wanted to talk about obsession, but then we already touched on it in “Attraction” and “Idealising”, so you can look it up. How about The One? I get asked this quite often: do I believe people are destined to meet The One or could they have multiple Ones.
There’s no simple answer. It’s rare but I know, some people only fall in love once in their lifetime and stay with the same person. For the rest of us, there’s likely to be The One for every major phase in our life. Most of us change quite significantly over the course of time, while our love interests or partners don’t necessarily change in the same way, so we grow apart and quite often, split up.
Personally, we no longer see it as a tragedy. Our children from previous relationships don’t see it as a tragedy. They and many of their friends in mixed families, have become more resilient and have adapted to this new structure. Click here for proven dating tips for single parents.
My second point is that The One doesn’t just magically materialise. Yes, we meet someone and feel attracted, then we discover they tick if not all, then most of our “boxes” – but this is just the beginning. The most interesting part is yet to come when you start bonding, creating memories and building that wonderful relationship together, then you can say with confidence: he or she is The One.
"P" - PASSION
We’re going to share 4 secrets to keep passion going in a relationship. We often hear people complaining when they meet someone it starts off beautifully, and they get on brilliantly, but when the honeymoon period ends, everything “goes south”… Remember, we talked about passionate love, which is strong at the beginning of a relationship, but it subsides after a year or two, and evolves into companionate love. Revelation number one:
1. If you think this means a relationship is doomed – you have unrealistic expectations. When you and your partner have nothing in common without that passion, then indeed, it is doomed. However, when you do, it’s up to you to reignite the passion instead of saying: “Oh, the spark is gone."
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2. Living in each other’s pockets is not very healthy. Have time to yourself and some individual activities. Occasionally, when one of us goes away for work even for a day, things get re-set a little, we have so much to catch up on and we enjoy being reunited.
3. Maintain a little bit of mystery, don’t forget your manners or become too familiar. Yes, we’re close, but we’re not about to start using the toilet with a door wide open, burp or fart in each other’s company.
4. Quality time together – this deserves a bit more attention, so will cover it separately.
"Q" - QUALITY TIME
Your marriage (or long-term relationship) is constantly under attack from various outside factors:
- money worries,
- children causing concern,
- work stress,
- household chores and duties etc.
Many couples get stuck in a rut, and although they do spend a lot of time together, it’s not necessarily quality time. So, to keep passion going in your relationship, every now and again, carve some time out to spend quality time together, just the two of you. We really enjoy our joint activities: theatre, gardening, scuba diving on holiday...
We do date nights and try to spend an occasional night away given the opportunity. One piece of relationship advice: on your date, avoid discussing children, home, chores, anything that drags you back into mundanity. Instead, talk about you as people, your aspirations and desires. We also like reminiscing about the early dating days, it really brings back great memories and the air of excitement. And of course, no phones at the table!
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In addition, click here to discover 7 top tips for successfully navigating cultural differences in relationships, which will help you bond...
"R" - REJECTION
Many decisions (or indecisions) are driven by fear of rejection. It’s one of the main inhibitors when it comes to dating, online or offline. Unfortunately, rejection is an inevitable part of the process, and is seldom a reflection on you.
Many things that have to align for a couple to click. If one component is missing – you may not have another date. So what?
At this point, your level of commitment is near zero. The worst thing you can do is to start looking for an explanation and torment yourself with questions: “Why? What did I do wrong?” It doesn’t matter why! You can’t please everyone no matter how attractive or funny you are – don’t take it personally. I know, easier said than done, but let’s try to look at it from another angle. Say, you’re not a good match, and your date worked it out before you did. As such, they are doing you a favour by knocking it on the head early on instead of misleading you and dating you until someone more suitable comes along. This would be much worse. There, it’s not such a negative concept anymore.
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Rejection brings you closer to that someone who will adore you and will love your qualities, which others didn’t find appealing. That is the whole point of dating! Click here to check if you can benefit from working with a dating coach.
"S" - SOULMATE
The idea of a soulmate is super romantic, suggesting a predestined, perfect match for one’s soul. Do we believe in soulmates? Yes, for sure. However, as discussed above, it's possible to have more than one romantic soulmate on your journey, because people can change dramatically and go through various phases in their lives. For example, we were rather different people 20-25 years ago, so even if we had met, we wouldn’t have necessarily recognised each other as soulmates!
So, don’t worry in case you’re going through a breakup and feel you lost a soulmate. There's every chance you’re going to meet another one. Also, being soulmates doesn’t mean you have to agree on absolutely everything, no one ever does. Having different views on some things is not unhealthy and doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble, as long as these disagreements are handled in a civilised, respectful manner.
Soulmate is a lovely concept, just don’t be fooled by the strength of that connection if there are worrying red flags present, such as: lack of trust, aggression, manipulation. Especially, if it feels like your new partner is making your life worse instead of enhancing it…
"T" - TRUST
Trust is certainly one of the most important aspects of a relationship: over 90% of women and men put it right at the top of their list. Trust will develop differently within each relationship, but if it’s broken from the very start, it’s a sure predictor of potential failure.
Everyone keeps some things to themselves, especially at the beginning; you can’t expect your date to open up straight away and disclose every detail (neither should you by the way). However, as you go along, you'll certainly notice major inconsistencies in their stories, and if you point these out, their explanation is likely to be convoluted or overly emotional, so it distracts you from the facts. This includes strange patterns: never answering the phone at certain times, disappearing for days at a time, repeatedly breaking their promises etc. The wisest thing you can do is to walk away: a healthy relationship is impossible without trust, and you'll never feel safe.
On the other hand, are you trustworthy? Are your words and actions aligned? Do you reckon you appear trustworthy to your partner? If you’re not sure, have a chat with them and find out...
"U" - UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
It’s uniquely selfless and driven by a pure love for someone; it has no bounds... Parental love is the best example: we forgive our children and are programmed to continue giving without expecting anything in return.
In a relationship, unconditional love is great when both partners are decent people who never take advantage of each other’s feelings. We want our partner to be happy and we do nice things for them just because. The danger is, sometimes we don’t know what we’re getting ourselves into. This overly romanticised idea of true unconditional love can be damaging if taken as gospel when you come across a manipulative individual with narcissistic traits.
The idea can be easily exploited by them. “If you love me, you’ll do x, y, z for me,” is a classic example. You become trapped in a pattern being accused of bad things if you don’t give them what they want, constantly seeking their approval, expected to prove your feelings for them. And it’s a one-way street: you’re not treated equally, and they always have an excuse. This is when unconditional love can be harmful, and you should follow your self-preservation instinct. Click here to discover the best ways to avoid a toxic relationship.
"V" - VULNERABILITY
Being vulnerable in love can be terrifying because it means opening oneself up to another, risking pain for the sake of intimacy and connection. Once you’ve got your fingers burned in a relationship, it takes time to bounce back and heal sufficiently to welcome a new love into your life. Sadly, some people never do and will avoid feeling vulnerable at all cost.
Many men bear a grudge and put their bad relationship experiences down to women generally being conniving, manipulative or entitled. However, if you ask women who’d been hurt in the past, they’ll tell you all about how selfish, cruel or damaged men are.
The truth is, psychopathic behaviour doesn’t have to be gender specific. People hurt each other in gay relationships too, and you can’t blame it on gender differences. There're damaged and difficult people amongst both men and women, full stop. Try not to let a negative experience tarnish the whole idea of love and relationship for you. You just need to date smarter, and with the help of a relationship consultant, like me, you can have all the ammunition to avoid disasters, find a perfect partner and allow yourself to feel a little vulnerable with them.
"W" - WELLBEING
You might think: what’s the connection? Wellbeing doesn’t just mean being healthy; it’s also the state of your mind and how you feel about your life in general. And what is love if not a huge component of our wellbeing? When it’s all going smoothly, we feel happy and energetic. If not, we feel that dark cloud all the time, and it affects our work, family and health.
Throughout my life, I’ve been surrounded by people either suffering the pain of a break-up/divorce or the frustration of dating. I used to be one of those people, so I know independent and qualified advice can transform lives. We turn to career advisors when looking for a job, attend parenting classes, hire business and life coaches, but often very little or no thought goes into choosing the right life partner despite the criticality of this decision for our future.
Of course, there is relationship counselling, however, at that point, you’re already working with what you’ve got trying to fix it. I’m convinced, the best time to work on a relationship is before it begins. That is why, I’m here to consult men and women, help them to avoid pitafalls and build a healthy relationship. Click here to discover how a relationship and dating expert can imporve your wellbeing.
"X" - X FACTOR
In affairs of the heart, X factor is something truly special about a person, a quality that's hard to put into words. There might be many things you like about your partner, which you can verbalise: smart, pretty, funny or kind, but then there's the X factor - “je ne sais quois” that makes you click and you choose your partner over everyone else.
We talked a lot about a more logical approach to dating and relationships; how you should also listen to your head and not only your heart. None of this means that we’re preaching exclusively cold calculated tactics. Nothing of the kind: attraction is a given, otherwise you’re entering a business arrangement not a relationship. However, you know falling in love is easy, anyone can do that, no effort involved. Building a happy, secure relationship is not so easy, which is why you look for certain qualities in your partner and take a more measured approach; if you want a secure balanced relationship that is. You see, both aspects are important; they create that amazing mixture which binds you together and brings genuine happiness into your life. Note these 7 mistakes to avoid in a new relationship.
"Y" - YOU
Most of us, people born pre 2000, were usually taught not to be selfish or put others first. Things really changed over the past couple of decades, so these days the emphasis is on self, staying true to oneself, putting yourself first, if you will. I’m convinced, as usual, the truth is somewhere in the middle. In a relationship, or any partnership, you have to consider other people and their feelings.
When is it ok to be selfish? Any relationship starts with you, not your date. How well do you know yourself, your character, your patterns, your needs? What brings out the best and the worst in you? In this instance, being focused on yourself has far-reaching positive outcomes for you and your potential partner. If you’re happy, your needs and goals are met, you’re more likely to make them happy too. It’s probably the opposite of selfish because you’re taking care of them and yourself at the same time by being honest and setting expectations upfront.
On the other hand, if you identify significant gaps in your expectations or a clash of needs, save each other the pain and disappointment. This is what I mean when I say: sometimes you need to put yourself first.
"Z" - ZEAL
In romance, zeal represents energy and enthusiasm in pursuit of the object of your desire. Everyone is cautious at first, but when someone is genuinely interested in you, you'll notice their zeal. If a man/woman has to be dragged kicking and screaming, or keeps disappearing and reappearing when it suits him/her, don’t try to justify this behaviour or come up with excuses on their behalf. He/she is clearly not that keen for whatever reason.
Guys can be overly enthusiastic when pursuing a woman. If you’re looking for a life partner or a husband, don’t feel like you have to succumb straight away; take your time to figure him out. Contrary to popular belief, a man who is sincerely interested, is not going to give up and vanish just because a woman doesn’t jump into bed with him right away.
There aren’t many things in life as powerful as the zeal of a man who’s got his eye on a woman. In the past, I’d take it for face value, and I know many women do. Even if we’re unsure at first, that determination goes to our heads, and we go all dreamy. Which is when men sometimes cool down just because they can’t maintain that kind of focus tor long and get distracted. I used to find this very frustrating until I worked a few things out…
...but that's a story for another day! Thank you for reading this love, dating and relationship A to Z guide full of useful advice for singles and new couples. You can watch the video version on our Facebook or Instagram pages.
I am Mila Smith, a certified relationship and dating coach. To book a free 30-min confidential consultation with me, click here.
Watch this space, a new improved video course is coming soon.​​​
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