Although I risk making myself unpopular in the world of woke, as a woman, I should be allowed to say this: not that I ever wanted to be a man, I would certainly not want to be a man in 2024...
I worked in a predominantly male industry for over 25 years and have many good friends amongst men. 25 years in male company is a long time. I have never been a girly girl, other than wearing skirts and lip gloss, but I believe that environment influenced me to the point I still find it easier to communicate with men (focus on facts and solutions), often feel befuddled in exclusively female company and have to apologise for my immature sense of humour.
Sometimes, I even get protective and speak out in defence of men when women start berating men in general, which is just as offensive as men calling all women “crazy”. I agree, some people in both camps are indeed crazy. I would also say, women are more misunderstood than crazy as there is still a lot of confusion around gender differences leading to dissatisfaction and mutual blame.
Over the years, we spent a lot of time discussing personal issues and relationships, and I know underneath the seemingly callous exterior most men are sensitive and occasionally vulnerable people, they are just better at concealing it. Not all guys are liars and cheats either. I have met countless men who are seriously scarred by their ex-wives and partners in previous relationships, which made them weary of all women.
From my observations, everything became clearer when I had a son who from a very young age displayed a specific set of behaviours (innate, not copied) characteristic of the male of the species, which highlighted the fact we are wired very differently. Science confirms there is plentiful evidence to support that view.
So, why are men often under attack for displaying some of the innocent natural behaviours whilst women teach their daughters to always stay true to themselves? Why aren’t men awarded the same opportunity? I am not entirely sure why we are still so angry with men as we certainly no longer have to work as hard for our place in the hierarchy.
Don't get me wrong, I have come across some shocking guys and am delighted political correctness has been invented, to at least some degree. When I joined the business world in the late 90’s, it was a bit of a Wild West out there. As a young woman, I was talked down to, managed, flirted with, and snubbed over many years, and had to try twice as hard to prove myself. Without a doubt, men had it easier. Yet I do not hold the same grudge many women do claiming they could never fit in. Once I demonstrated the required expertise or abilities, that was it: respect was gained, and I would not be challenged again.
Thank goodness this has been moderated. However, it is in human nature to take things to extremes. As someone who studied history in depth, I am not even that surprised: it happened regularly throughout millennia. Having dismantled one set of misconceptions and stereotypes, we seem to be successfully creating a whole new set both in business and personal areas.
Recently, my husband’s company bid on some consultancy work, however they were rejected by a female customer due to “lack of diversity” because all three customer-facing directors were middle aged men (although the company does employ women, they just weren’t in the meeting). The proposal was competitive and unique in terms of addressing the client’s needs, so they were definitely not rejected on merit.
Can you imagine the outrage if the tables were turned? It would make the headlines for sure. This was probably a common occurrence a few decades ago, however I thought the purpose of inclusion was to make our society fairer rather than swap one type of bias for another which seems more like revenge. Orwell’s “Animal Farm” springs to mind…
We are bringing up two boys who turned out rather “mainstream”: white British and (seemingly) straight and I can’t help but worry about their future once they are out of full-time education because I can see their demographic is currently out of favour and will not be considered if there is an equally skilled but a more diverse candidate in the picture.
I have always been an independent, strong woman, but just like most men, I am terrified of “strong women”, who are in fact, rude, aggressive and (apparently) know everything. On behalf of women, I apologise. Truly strong women do not need to shout about it; they quietly persevere and are probably too busy to frequent prosecco nights where caricature strong women rattle on about how strong they are.
When did being completely rigid become a good thing and something of which to be proud? I believe some people are mistaking being rigid for being strong – this is not the case. A strong person is flexible and adaptable, which as you know, happens to be an evolutionary advantage; they can compromise enough while staying true to themselves. Remember a metaphor about a tree that does not bend and breaks in the wind?
In the personal domain, many women are disillusioned and complain about the lack of good guys and gentlemen, however we are partially to blame and have not covered ourselves in glory. What was originally intended as valid feminist ideas, gradually turned into contempt and ingrained prejudice against men. We are surprised we do not see enough well-mannered men; that is because they are too scared to be courteous since gender equality dictates, for example, holding a door open for a lady is unnecessary and can even be unacceptable to some. Nobody wants to have their head bitten off!
I recently found corroboration to my thoughts on the subject in a book called “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics: “Because men and women are regarding the landscape from contrasting vantage points, the same scene can appear very different to them, and they often have opposite interpretations of the same action.” It explains how people can infer a different metamessage (underlying, between the lines, meaning or subtext) – essentially, interpret the same event another way.
Therefore, a man holding a door or offering a chair might be thinking he is being considerate and helpful, while a woman who is already irritated with men, is likely to think it is patronising and men wanting to be in control… again. I am convinced none of these extremes are helpful in terms of bridging the gap between men and women; more like driving a bigger and bigger wedge between us. As a relationship and dating consultant, my mission is to promote compromise, balance, and harmony in personal relationships.
So, gentlemen, although I am more than capable of holding the door open for myself, please feel free to hold it open, I will appreciate it...
Good luck!
Mila x