If you ever feel lonely, exasperated and tired of unfulfilling relationships or bad dates, you need to read this to the end! You’re probably sick of hearing about “positive mindset”, which sounds great in theory, but isn’t so easy to achieve when you’re feeling stuck, as described above.
This quote is attributed to an ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus who lived about two millennia ago: “It is not events that disturb people; it is their judgements concerning them”. He then explains: “Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation; you are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be”.
Clearly, Epictetus never tried online dating! But seriously, he'd been through much worse – and he's right…
Firstly, being single is not a disadvantage or something of which you should be ashamed (even if your mother or another family member is convinced it’s both tragic and embarrassing and has to be remedied NOW).
So, whenever you feel sad or find yourself fixated on searching for a partner to the point you stop enjoying yourself and start missing out on life, it’s time to reset your outlook. Remember this: you are, in fact, in an advantageous position because you have the opportunity to start with a clean slate, choose exactly what’s right for you and say “No, thank you” to anything which is not. Use this opportunity wisely!
When relationships fail, people tend to find someone or something to blame: their ex-partners, ex in-laws, work pressure or other outside factors. Similarly, when dating doesn’t lead to the desired outcome, people become frustrated very quickly, and again, find something to blame, be it the dating apps, the toxic modern culture or other people.
I want to challenge you and get you to look within instead. The real question you need to ask yourself is: are you going into dating or into a relationship with the right mindset?
These 10 common underlying reasons may be preventing you from finding love and happiness:
1. You’re not over your ex...
When that person is always at the back of your mind, you can’t help comparing them with all the new people you meet. You’re definitely biased, so the new people are, inevitably, going to lose this contest no matter how wonderful they are. Click to discover sure signs you're ready to date after a breakup.
2. You have a secret crush...
It doesn’t have to be a real ex; it could be an entirely imaginary relationship, for example, someone you fancy at work. Limerence is the term used in psychology: an intense, often one-sided infatuation with someone, characterized by obsessive thoughts. Same as above, your attempts at dating someone else are bound to fail.
3. You were hurt in the past and are seething with anger...
You might think if you’re no longer in love with your ex, it automatically means you’re ready to move on. However, hate can be just as strong as love, and although you don’t want to be with your ex, those negative emotions are seriously affecting your well-being, your present and future relationships.
4. You have either a pre-occupied or a fearful attachment style...
...(both characterized by high abandonment anxiety, so you’re an unsettled, nervous or jealous partner). A fearful type also has a high fear of intimacy, so you could be sabotaging any potential relationship. Just in case you haven’t heard about attachment styles: it’s a currently popular theory which explains our orientation towards relationships by attachment style developed in the early years based on our interactions with primary caregivers.
5. You suffer from low self-esteem...
...maybe because of the above (attachment style), or other underlying issues. These could be going back to your childhood, but sometimes, your ex-partner’s infidelity or a bad breakup is all it takes to leave a huge dent in your confidence. See how dating coaching can help you improve things.
6. You’re still in an unhappy relationship...
...which you want to leave, but you want to find a “replacement” first. This might work for monkeys never fully letting go of a branch before grabbing onto the next one, not so much for romantic relationships. Some people are terrified of being alone, so they hop from one relationship into another, and sometimes they overlap.
7. You lack self-awareness and are not clear about your needs and wants...
It’s remarkable how many people don’t think about what they need in a relationship until they’re already in a relationship or it has ended. Are you one of them? Click here to find out what questions you should ask before committing to a partner.
8. You’re panicking and desperate to be in a relationship...
...get married and/or start a family. I know it's hard not to when the biological clock is ticking putting us under pressure. However, desperation and kneejerk decisions seldom lead to anything good!
9. You are happier being single...
So, why are you going through the motions? At this point, you need to ask yourself why bother at all if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship, and by the way, there is nothing wrong with that if that’s the best solution for you.
10. You are a single parent juggling family, career and a fragile relationship with your ex...
Perhaps, you want to be happy again, but are terrified of upsetting the balance. Or, you want to dedicate your life to your children, and everything else is much lower on your list of priorities. There is no right or wrong, but don’t forget that being a parent is just one of the few hats you’re wearing, you are still an individual and you deserve to be happy, your kids would want you to be. Read 5 Top Tips for Dating as A Single Parent.
…and that is not an exhaustive list by far! Any of these ten common underlying reasons could be the clue why you can't find love and happiness, or even a combination thereof with added complications, past trauma and baggage.
If you recognise any of the above, the modern online dating scene is probably the least of your worries. The good news is that all this is fixable if you’re willing to keep an open mind and reconsider your approach. After all, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
Pause and avoid rushing into dating or a new relationship just because you’re feeling lonely. No more clutching at straws. For your own benefit, identify your patterns and stumbling blocks first: book a free 30-min introductory call today!
Falling for someone is easy; finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with while feeling happy and secure, is a different story. You might think it’s just down to chance and you either get lucky or not… Not quite: it has very little to do with luck and everything to do with YOU.
Good luck,
Mila Smith
Founder of “From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consultancy
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach