These days, the subject of love, relationships and dating is getting increasing coverage as more and more people turn to science, because our expectations are nothing like our parents’ and grandparents’ and the old approach of leaving it largely to chance and hormones doesn’t always work.
Having said that, every now and again, when I say I am a relationship and dating expert, some people smirk, raise their eyebrows or start fidgeting as though they believe it falls into an “adult” category or something equally embarrassing!
Then I remind them that there are established networks of support for almost every area of our lives whenever we feel we’re out of our depth. We turn to financial advisors to look after our money; go to career advisors when looking for a new job; attend parenting courses; hire business, fitness and life coaches; however, quite often very little or no thought goes into choosing the right life partner despite the criticality of this decision for your future.
“Oh, yeah!” is usually their response.
Then I remind them about all the people amongst us suffering the pain of breakups and/or getting frustrated with the modern online dating scene, which lures you in by presenting a multitude of matches, but soon turns out to be an illusion of abundance as, on closer inspection, most of them are completely unsuitable for you or unavailable.
“Yes, 100%!”
Most of us have learned the hard way and discovered the enormous cost (financial and emotional) of getting a relationship wrong, especially if our children are affected. Wellbeing doesn’t just mean being healthy, it’s also the state of your mind and how you feel about your life in general. And what is love / relationship if not a huge component of our wellbeing? When it’s all going smoothly, we feel happy and energetic. If not, we feel that dark cloud all the time, and it affects our work and health…
Of course, there’s relationship counselling, however, at that point, you’re already working with what you’ve got, trying to fix it. I’m convinced, the best time to work on a relationship is before it begins…
Another sign of the times is this question, frequently asked by both men and women:
Online Dating or Real Life?
Online dating apps and websites get very mixed reviews: let’s be honest, mainly negative ones. However, I know for a fact, many of them do work and lead to marriages and happy relationships. Frankly, it doesn’t matter which option you choose, and here are four reasons why…
People dating online often seem to expect to have their Mr. or Ms. Right instantly handed to them on a plate and become irritated and exasperated when it (obviously) doesn’t happen. They are forgetting that online dating sites and apps represent a slice of life and, in a way, reflect our society. For sure, there are scammers and weirdos lurking on dating apps, being an ideal Petri dish environment. However, when you think about it, there are plenty of those all around us. So, you have to be clever, selective and patient whether you’re dating online or offline.
Like any other database, dating sites come in a multitude of shapes, sizes and most importantly, quality. It’s fairly obvious that free ones attract all sorts of folk, and if there’s no requirement to complete a qualifying questionnaire, upload photos or complete the profile properly, then naturally, the quality of matches will be rather poor as it’s too easy to stick a couple of photos and emojis on! If you want to give it a go, choose a highly rated online dating site / app, and the right one for your demographics even if it means you have to pay for a subscription. It will filter out lots of timewasters, for sure.
The introduction process has changed, not the process of assessing someone for compatibility, their capacity to commit and build a relationship - that is still the same, and still up to you. Some people say they choose to meet “the old-fashioned” way: ok, they might chat to a stranger in a bar or on a train, but is that any different from striking up a conversation with a stranger online? You know nothing about them either way; again, you need to be clever and selective.
Are you going into dating with the right mindset? You’re likely to become very frustrated and fail (and it won’t be due to the quality of your dates) if:
you’re not over your ex or you have a secret crush;
you were badly hurt in the past and are seething with anger;
you have either a pre-occupied or a fearful attachment style (both characterized by high abandonment anxiety);
you suffer from low self-esteem as a result of the above or other underlying issues;
you’re in an unhappy relationship, which you want to leave, but you want to find a replacement first (might work for monkeys never fully letting go of a branch before grabbing onto the next one);
you lack self-awareness and are not clear about your needs and wants;
you’re panicking and desperate to be in a relationship, get married and/or start a family…
…and that is not an exhaustive list by far! So, if you recognise any of the above, the challenge of online dating is the least of your worries, to be honest.
Click here to read more about the benefits of relationship coaching or here to read my "When Should You See A Dating Coach?"
What to Do?
You’re not alone, many people run into relationship and dating related problems, and it has very little to do with the way they were introduced. I appreciate you must be feeling overwhelmed while being bombarded by information, opinions, advice, dating do’s and don’ts. Sometimes even I am feeling overwhelmed, and I do this for a living! Let’s take a step back, take a deep breath and focus exclusively on facts and proven science and research-based methods.
It’s ok to admit confusion, it’s ok not to be able to see clearly when it comes to matters of the heart, that’s why it would be beneficial to seek independent qualified advice (which is not coming from your friends or family who can be biased).
If you’re thinking: “Right, how did people manage for thousands of years without a relationship coach or a dating expert? What’s wrong with me?” Well, like I said at the very beginning, our expectations and requirements have changed along with our society, lifestyle and many other things, and we haven’t yet fully adjusted to the new reality.
If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you're capable of running. When it comes to dating and relationships, you can enlist the same kind of help you would receive if you were trying to accomplish something in any other area at which you aren’t an expert.
Don't leave your wellbeing and happiness to chance, contact me at: mila@single-to-couple.com to start the conversation, or book a free confidential 30-min introductory session below:
Good luck x
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach