Whether you've been dating and met someone already or you're still looking, there must be a myriad of questions going through your mind, such as: “How do I know when I meet the right person?" or “What qualities should I look for in a life partner?” However, before we get to them, let’s examine your mindset and approach to love/relationships, and look at some common new relationship mistakes which stem from misconceptions or false expectations.
1. “Listen to your heart rather than your head”
This age-old cliché sounds charming and conjures up some wonderful visions, like a pair of lovers running towards each other in slow motion and embracing to the high-pitched tones of a violin… Until you consider the real message behind this phrase.
“Head” obviously stands for your logical side, which helps you understand not only what you want, but also what you need from your partner; the part of you which will analyse their behaviour to see if they are good for you.
“Heart” is supposedly referring to our emotional side, but in reality, is all about what feels good at that moment, and let’s be honest: most of the time it’s linked to physical attraction and hormones. “The butterflies” which feel wonderful and also tend to turn red flags into green.
We all know what happens when those hormones wear off: we start seeing things more clearly and any clashes and incompatibility become obvious. So, attraction is important, but don’t just listen to your heart – refrain from making any life-changing decisions until you get the approval from your head as well...
...and for the avoidance of doubt: don’t ignore the red flags.
2. “We’ll make it work”
You may encounter a multitude of obstacles and challenges staring you in the face (for example, long distance), but you’ve already made a decision and sold on another cliché: “Love conquers all”. Perhaps, if both sides work very hard, and absolutely everything falls into place (which most of the time it does not).
This way, a new, still fragile relationship is under a lot of stress from the start, but you’re determined to prove you’ve made the right decision and take it to the next level: get married and sometimes even have children together.
Eventually, inevitability strikes, and you go your separate ways, bruised and disillusioned, contributing to the sky-high divorce rate. Again, it would be wise not to dismiss all the obstacles and red flags. Assess your capacity for compromise and don’t take on a challenge you know you can’t handle.
3. Being oblivious to your needs
By default, we all assume we know and understand ourselves very well and know exactly what we want and need. However, as we get older, we look back and see mistakes, failure, and seemingly inexplicable patterns. Only then do we begin to realise what we thought we wanted could have been damaging, and in fact, what we truly needed to be happy was something (or someone) else entirely. We already know the consequences of falling in with a wrong person; and if you have children together, you’re tied to each other for life. Which, as many of you know, is not necessarily always a good thing. The best time to define your needs and values is while you're still single, before you get involved...
4. Failing to communicate your needs
If you don’t understand your needs or fail to communicate them, how do you expect anyone to meet them? For example, you’re dreaming of a committed relationship and a cosy home together with your partner but are reluctant to say it out loud in case you scare them off. This could lead to confusion on both sides and failed expectations: don’t be shy and share your expectations / values early on. You wouldn’t be automatically stating you want a committed relationship with that particular person at that moment, which could be premature, but rather sharing your goal in general, so it’s a perfectly neutral statement.
Perhaps on the contrary, you want to maintain independence and hate the thought of moving in with someone in the foreseeable future — be clear about it.
Simply saying “I want a happy relationship and a great partner” is not enough. We all do, however, everyone’s idea of happiness is slightly different.
5. Listening to no one and being too arrogant
Some people think they know everything or insist their situation is unique. You know what they say about smart people? They learn from their mistakes. However, wise people learn from someone else’s mistakes. Good advice is hard to come by, so when and if you do, don’t just dismiss it assuming you know it all. This applies to feedback from your friends and family. They know you very well and might spot the fact you’re going out with someone bad for you before you realise it yourself. Especially, when you’re blinded by lust and raging hormones.
There's some collective wisdom in the world, and whilst we can’t take it all onboard, accepting advice selectively and asking yourselves the right questions is a clever thing to do. A relationship / dating coach, like me, will cover both theoretical and practical sides of the process. Rather than providing rigid instructions, I'd encourage you to ask the right questions and look in the right places in order to understand your requirements, bring out the best version of yourself and ultimately, find a shortcut to happiness for you.
6. Listening to everyone and worrying too much
This is not a contradiction because most things are fine in moderation. If you're on the other end of the spectrum, you can read every self-help book available, over-analyse and over-share with your friends / confidants, however, there comes a point when you have to move forward, armed with your knowledge, intelligence and intuition.
Only a fool tests the depth of water with both feet, nevertheless, I presume you do want to get in and make progress, so one foot at a time is just fine. Understandably, fear of failure and rejection can be very strong and often holds people back. I’ve developed an effective logical method to help deal with rejection and make it feel less personal, but that’s a story for another day…
7. Putting pressure on a new relationship
Imagine, you finally meet a man or a woman of your dreams, at least on the surface of it. You can’t help thinking: “Is he/she The One?”
Possibly, but unfortunately, it might easily turn out to be a flop, which happens all the time, so why would you over-invest or pin all your hopes on this potential relationship? It might not go further for a multitude of reasons:
- They aren’t sufficiently interested in the first place.
- Not looking for a committed relationship.
- You press too hard too soon since you feel it's going nowhere.
- Your insecurities and mistrust stemming from past relationships get the better of you, and you push them away.
- They do the above to you...
The list is much longer — the result is, sadly, the same. Therefore, when you meet someone promising, try to avoid being directed by fixed expectations and rigid timelines; try not to over-invest and get carried away.
If a new relationship fizzles out quickly, so be it: you’ll never know if you stood a real chance. Instead of cursing yourself (or them) and giving up on finding love, just consider it a valuable lesson which has, most importantly, brought you a step closer to your potential Mr or Ms Right. Can’t be bad!
With love,
M x
If you want to do it right this time around with the help of a relationship coach, contact me for a confidential chat: mila@single-to-couple.com