Years ago, I was a solo mum with a questionable relationship track record, although I never saw it as a tragedy or even a disadvantage and made sure my child didn’t either. There were times when I felt happier on my own and exasperated with dating, wondering if a perfect match actually existed. However, things changed as soon as I realised it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with my choices, so I adopted a less chaotic approach. Without further ado, I’d like to share 5 top proven dating tips for single parents to save you potential frustration and heartache.
Don’t write yourself off as an individual
Being a parent is one of the most important jobs we’ll ever have, yet it’s only one of several parts we’re destined to play. What I mean by this is: parents can still have a personal life, and we deserve to be happy too. Babies require the lion’s share of our time and dedication, but as they get a older and start interacting with the rest of the world, some of our time is freed up.
While parental love and support are unconditional, viewing parents as individuals with various interests and responsibilities (other than parenting) is not harmful to our children, but in fact, beneficial for broadening their horizons and teaching flexibility, tolerance and respect. They are loved and cared for, however, the world doesn’t have to revolve around them 100% of the time. What child is going to respect their personal slave? Mum or dad have the right to go on a date every now and again. Kids don’t need all the details, but they do need to know their parents have a social life.
Many unhappy marriages are artificially held together “for the sake of the children”, and when they go to college and fly the nest, their parents often split up. Studies show that more often than not, young adults experience a far greater shock, sometimes exacerbated by guilt. I have personally witnessed adolescents lashing out in anger when they discovered their parents sacrificed personal happiness to keep their family together. It’s a lot to process and a hefty responsibility for them when you think about it. This is just one of many examples when we can be misguided, thinking we’re doing our best for the children by making sacrifices.
2. You don’t always have to hide the fact you are dating from your children
How much should you tell your children about your dating life? This depends on the age of your kid(s), their character and current state of mind. Obviously, if you can see your child is still traumatised by your separation or divorce, or is struggling with a different issue, it’s not advisable to burden them with additional complexities. Give them more time to adjust to the new situation…
However, if your child has been in a happy, stable environment for a while, if you’re certain they are generally flexible, I strongly believe there is no reason to shelter them from absolutely everything. Firstly, hiding and lying for any length of time is not necessarily a great strategy and will only give your kids the wrong idea you’re doing something shameful.
Serious-minded dating, a.k.a. looking for a partner, shouldn’t be deemed shameful or embarrassing. We all know, a personal/romantic relationship constitutes a huge component of our wellbeing - so let’s finally normalise it! Don’t you want your children to have a balanced realistic view of life instead of protecting them from anything new or different, and most likely, subjecting them to a shock when they, inevitably, face change or conflict in later life?
Personally, I found it impossible to hide from my inquisitive child who was 5-7 years old at the time. I was always questioned in the greatest detail, and sometimes, would get utterly confused trying to conceal the truth. Eventually, I explained I wanted to meet new people and find a great life partner (for both of us). He was very “matter of fact” about it, and no harm was done – but again, I knew my child and his level of adaptability and resilience.
3. You can successfully date a non-parent, just be patient
In case you’re thinking: wait, isn’t it them who should be patient? Correct, however, you know it’s very difficult (next to impossible) to explain what parenting is like to someone who is not a parent. You can say all the right words, but the feeling of responsibility and commitment is ingrained; parental love is unique, so they would have to become parents to truly experience it. So, if you’ve chosen to date someone who is not a parent, like you, remember: it’s not their fault or even a flaw.
Yes, it could introduce an extra level of complexity when they can’t quite relate or sympathise, but I can say with certainty, it depends on what kind of person you’re dealing with. Being a parent doesn’t automatically make people decent. Just as not being a parent, doesn’t mean they are wrong for you or are incapable of empathy.
In my time, I met other parents who were extremely selfish, intolerant, and plain horrible as partners. On the other hand, I also came across people who were childless and kind, patient and great with children. There are no guarantees! The best dating advice for any single mum or dad: initiate an open, friendly conversation to help address any misunderstandings…
4. Set realistic expectations
Be honest with anyone you’re dating and explain your situation, whether you have full custody of your kid(s), have them 50% of the time or on certain fixed days. If you don’t have a supportive co-parent or a family circle to rely on, it’s best to be very clear about your limitations and inability to be spontaneous and make last-minute arrangements. By being honest about your situation upfront, you can save yourself time and heartache by attracting someone who is genuinely interested in your life as it is.
Also, things occasionally fall through: a babysitter lets you down or your child comes down with a fever or starts vomiting the minute you’re about to walk out of the door (their favourite). Back in the dating days, my online profile stated something like this: “Patience is required but will be rewarded”. This will filter out anyone inflexible or looking for an easy, casual relationship, unless this is what you’re looking for rather than a life partner.
Don’t panic or keep apologising for having to change plans for a valid reason; once will suffice, really. Dignity and confidence are more attractive than insecurity and desperation. This is your life, and you are who you are (in this instance, a single or a solo parent), so you shouldn’t be feeling accountable when things unexpectedly go awry.
Something any dating single parent should remember: even if you’re very disappointed, don’t ever let your child see your frustration and make them feel guilty for having to cancel your plans when they are unwell, physically or mentally.
This consideration goes both ways, so ask yourself if you’re sufficiently patient to reciprocate. When you’re seeing another parent, chances are, they might have to let you down at some point. Are you prepared to accept it calmly and stoically even when it spoils your plans? You owe it to them if you’re expecting patience in return. If you have childcare lined up and suddenly find yourself at a loose end, take advantage of the situation and see a friend instead or go to the movies or treat yourself in some other way...
5. Be careful deciding when to introduce the children
It’s amazing how irrational and reckless people can be when choosing a new partner, despite the criticality of this decision for their future. If you must be careful about whom you’re letting into your life, you have to be twice as careful about whom you’re letting into your children’s lives.
Buyer beware: it’s up to you to do the due diligence! A relationship and dating coach, like me, can help you avoid the pitfalls and figure out the best approach according to your situation. I’ve previously shared a number of tips regarding the questions you should ask before committing to a potential partner and identifying the red flags to watch out for and would encourage you to read these and my other blogs dedicated to relationship and dating advice.
This is my top dating tip for any single parent: in this instance, time is your best ally. Note that early stages of a relationship are characterised by passionate love when we’re largely at the mercy of various hormones. These do eventually wear off and we begin to see our partners for who they really are (it could take anywhere between 6 and 18 months or even longer, in some cases). Nobody is perfect, and we can live with some of other people’s flaws – this is when you work out whether these are harmless or real dealbreakers.
Ideally, this selection process would have taken place before you introduce your new partner to your child(ren). Don’t let anyone rush you if you're not ready. There's no universal advice, as in point 2, you should be guided by your child’s state of mind. The more resilient and flexible they are, the easier this introduction is going to be. Playing it down worked for me: instead of making a grand announcement, perhaps, introduce them as a “close friend” and be conservative with public displays of affection, present them gradually.
Sometimes, it’s not the children who pose the challenge but the other parent. When the children are introduced to each other and/or a new partner, doubtless, they’re going to share the news with their other parent. If you’re dealing with a particularly difficult individual, or you’re in the middle of a divorce or another tricky situation, it might turn heated and hostile. When your new relationship becomes serious, it can feel as though you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place: keep hiding and sneaking, hindering the relationship, or open up about it and risk causing a storm which is also far from ideal. Years ago, we chose to disclose our relationship and paid the price, however, we don’t know what could have been, and neither do you. Again, it depends on the person you’re dealing with, so consider all the pros and cons.
Just to give you some reassurance, it all worked out fine in the end! We all make some mistakes and try to make the best out of any situation – hopefully, with this guidance to hand, your path is going to be less bumpy and stressful.
Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help! No matter how capable you are, there comes a time when you can benefit from a qualified independent opinion and learn from someone else's experience. Get in touch, and let's talk things through! Click here to book a free confidential 30-min introductory call.
Good luck!
Mila x
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach (and a former solo mum)