This is coming literally “from the horse’s mouth” because we were past masters of getting involved with incompatible people, which one way or another inevitably led to relationships turning toxic very quickly. If anyone had ever been interested in attending a masterclass on how to get themselves into an unbalanced relationship, we could have run one for sure!
Thankfully, we both had come to a realisation that things had to change and went through a lot of introspection and work in order to get rid of those tendencies and become smarter at dating and relationships, which clearly paid off. So, we would like to share some tips with you.
First of all, let’s agree on a definition of a toxic relationship. Quite literally, what it says on the tin: poisonous. It’s an unhealthy relationship which, instead of lifting you up, drags you down and makes you feel worse. People often get stuck in toxic relationships because the poison can be diluted by occasional happy moments, which keeps them going and gives them the strength to persevere, so it doesn’t kill the relationship but rather makes us unhappy and even ill over time.
There are many signs, and some could vary from one person to another as we’re all different and not necessarily sensitive to the same issues. However, there are four universal signs which indicate an unhealthy relationship. To quote one of the favourite authorities on the subject:
“There’s conflict and anger. When you think about your relationship or home life, would you describe it as generally cold, angry, and conflicted? …
There’s lack of support. …an unhealthy relationship is one where you would prefer to get help from anyone but your partner.
You don’t go home. …when you work late or increase your obligations because you don’t want to be with your partner.
You can’t say “I love you”…” *
If you find yourself in a fortunate position, free from a toxic relationship and willing to learn how to make better choices, this is what you can do:
Make sure you are not the toxic person in a relationship.
This may sound a little controversial, but it’s easy to blame everything on other people instead of taking a look in the mirror. Do you have unhealthy behavioural habits, such as: manipulation, game-playing, control, silencing the other, harsh criticism, rudeness, disrespect, suspicious jealousy etc? Sorry to say, in this case you could be part of the problem: even if your new partner has the patience of a saint, your relationship is unlikely to bring joy, happiness and security to either of you.
2. Don’t just listen to your heart – listen to your head too.
“Heart” is traditionally referring to our emotional side, and let’s be realistic and honest here: most of the time it’s linked to physical attraction, hormones and what feels good at that moment. “The butterflies” which feel great and tend to turn red flags into green. Attraction is important, but don’t just listen to your heart – refrain from making any life-changing decisions until you get the approval from your head as well...
3. Take things slow.
If you hit it off with a new date, don’t jump to conclusions and declare undying love straight away. The early stages of a relationship are characterised by passionate love. When we initially fall for someone, our bodies are pumped full of hormones, like dopamine, leading to euphoria. These usually start wearing off after a few months, and sometimes it takes up to two years to lose those rose-tinted glasses and see your partner for who they truly are. If you really want to play it safe this time around, especially when you have children, you should avoid moving in together or making other life-changing decisions until you can confidently say the relationship is a healthy one.
4. Identify your values, relationship expectations and needs and initiate an open conversation with your potential partner in case it hasn’t occurred naturally.
Ask them about their needs and expectations in a relationship and share yours. It’s only fair to mention them to your partner, otherwise you could be misleading them or lying to yourself, so don’t be shy. If you use neutral language, like “in general” and “someday”, it won’t sound like you’re demanding things from that particular person at that moment, so they won’t head for the hills thinking you want to have a baby with them after 3 weeks of dating. However, if this is your ultimate goal, you do need to ensure you're with someone potentially open to the idea. You’ll be amazed how many relationships fail miserably because people assume things and never actually ask or discuss.
5. Listen to their answers carefully and accept them even though they may not be what you want to hear.
If you’re dreaming of a family and a home together, for example, while your date is telling you they don’t believe in monogamy or will never move in with someone again, you need to take it seriously and break it off. No matter how attractive they might be, hoping you can convince them and get them to change their mind is a direct path to a toxic relationship, which feels as though you’re pulling teeth, which is not the way to live. You need to be on the same page and able to trust each other.
These are the key 5 strategies to help you avoid toxic relationships; and if you also want to learn more about the most perturbing signs you might encounter in a new partner/relationship, click here to read Relationship Red Flags: What to Look For Early On.
Questions about relationship and dating coaching? Get in touch:
Good luck!
M & J x
* ”Finding Love Again” by Terri L. Orbuch, PhD